Winding down my weeks in Berlin...

Believe it or not - I only have two more weeks to spend in Berlin. This routine way of living that I have come to accept as my new norm is about to come to an abrupt halt as I embark on the next leg of this adventure...

I am ready for the change. 

My last post ended with an account of my "bad day" last Thursday. The catalyst emotions for that day have been looming like a dark cloud that I have become tired of running from. 

I have been losing myself in books. They are an amazing replacement for people to talk to. Back at home (in MN), it takes me ages to get through a book - probably because I am always so busy and would prefer to be around people - but my life in Berlin is nearly the opposite. The language and culture barrier has become so stifling that I [very] often find myself retreating to my room to read, fall asleep, and meet my family and friends in my dreams. 

I did have a nice, long conversation with my host mother on Tuesday when it was obvious I could no longer hide my tears and sense of hopelessness. She normalized my emotions and reactions to my life here, which is just what I needed. It is nearly impossible to explain to someone who isn't here to see what I experience on a day-to-day basis. To Barbara, I voiced my frustration with my friends and family back home who tell me "Oh, you must be having so much fun! You're so lucky to have this experience. I'm jealous!" and "I think you're too busy - perhaps you need to rest more to make sure you don't burn out." and "I'm sure you'll make some friends soon."

Don't get me wrong, I sincerely appreciate all of the communication I have been receiving from my friends stateside. However, some of these typical statements (above) are so far removed from my actual lived experiences, that it has brought me to a breaking point. It was so important for me to hear Barbara share my concerns/letdowns with my experience here. The main one being my lack of friends. It's no wonder I'm reading away the majority of my waking hours. It has become too cold to walk around the city alone. What else is a girl to do?

I have been here 9 weeks now. 7 of those weeks I have been going to school. And still no friends. I had convinced myself that there must be something flawed in my approach when meeting new people. Perhaps I've been too closed, too quiet, and that is giving others a false impression (Lord knows I've heard this from several people when I lived in MN). However, much to my relief, Barbara assured me that I had it all wrong. She has even received feedback from her friends who have privately acknowledged to her how open and friendly I am! I almost couldn't believe the words as she told me... It isn't my fault. I have just been unlucky. I can handle that. It is better than living with a sense of guilt and dread that I'm just terrible at making friends.

Anyway, I have just over two weeks until I go to London. My plans for that next leg of travel have just recently come together in the last few days. Well, I still don't really have plans, but at least I know where I will be sleeping each night. I figure that's a good start. I have also connected with some Londoners on couchsurfing.org who have expressed interest in meeting up with me and possibly showing me around. I have no expectations and, as long as I can manage to stay warm, have no doubt I will enjoy the sights of the city.

A little bit about what I have been up to during the last week:
Last Sunday I visited the Sachsenhausen Concentration Camp. My, what a dreary place to see. 

I really didn't know what to expect, but the thing that surprised me the most was the sheer size. Even with most of the barracks gone, there were still so many places to see - after 3 hours there, I bet I only really absorbed half of the information/placards/photos/audio guide narrations. I truly had no idea how extensive an operation this camp was. Call me naive or ignorant, but I was under the false impression that concentration camps were only for Jews captured by the Nazi regime as a place to go that would ultimately lead to a sick and tortured death. Jews were only a portion of the prisoner population - gypsies, homosexuals, political activists, and others were also shunned to the terrible conditions of this place. I walked through the barracks, the infirmary, the mortuary cellar, the kitchen basement, the pathology lab, and the "prison" (as if life in the camp wasn't enough of a "punishment"). I was cold and hungry as I made my rounds, but my trials seemed so trivial in comparison to the horrors that occurred where my very feet were standing. 

On Tuesday night I went to Potsdamer Platz in Berlin to see the movie "The Perks of Being a Wallflower" (in English).  Anne met me there. I had popcorn for the first time since coming to Germany! I was shocked when the lady at the concession stand asked me if I wanted "salty" or "sweet" popcorn. Of course I want salty popcorn at the movie theatre! Anne thinks it's gross. I was SO happy and ate that entire bag before the first 10 minutes of the movie.

On Thursday, it was finally time for my long-awaited hair appointment. Those who know me well, know that I love going to the salon. It always makes me feel better. I live for changing my look. It's like a high for me. Anyway, I don't think I was expecting to ask for such a dramatic change in a foreign language. It was a bit unnerving at first. I sat down in the chair, and the lady really didn't speak many words of English. Thankfully, I found a picture on my phone to show [approximately] how I wanted my hair cut (although with my unruly mane nothing ever turns out like the pictures). I had to insist that "yes" I did want my hair as dark as the hair color sample I pointed to. It was funny. The hairdresser was basically fighting with my hair because it wouldn't straighten or lay like she wanted it to. Welcome to my world! In the end, it turned out awesome. I love it!

My latest challenge is preparing Thanksgiving dinner. Tomorrow. Oh boy. The first problem: I don't know how to cook. The second problem: I don't like cooking. The third problem: Germany doesn't have the same foods as the US (i.e., stuffing doesn't exist here, my host parents have never eaten turkey, and they don't know what pie is)...

Nevertheless, I will try. This morning I went to a Sam's Club-type store with Barbara and Lutz and bought all the ingredients I need (at least I hope so). It will be interesting...

Today I'm going to help Lutz work on building the attic above the garage. He is at the drywall stage. I offered to help! I think my Dad would be proud. Already this morning we went to a Menards-type store for some long piece of steel. Now Lutz just told me that his drill broke so he needs to go back to the store to buy a new one. I told him it's just like at home :) I think my Dad goes to Menards at least 3 times each weekend when he is working on a project (which is always).

Now I need to look up some recipes for tomorrow since I have promised my host family a Thanksgiving feast. Wish me luck!